Monday, April 27, 2009

Angry about chemo

Last night I felt so incredibly angry. So needless to say my sleep was broken. I think that knowing I have to take the chemo tablets again today, coupled with the fact that I have felt good this past week, made me resent what is to come. Luckily today is a public holiday so I didn't have to get up early.

I know that I will see it through but I feel like I am doing it kicking and screaming like a wild horse that won't learn. Plus this feeling of anger/frustration - whatever - seems to hit me out of nowhere with a massive punch. This morning I feel ok again. I also know that I can stop at anytime - its my choice - I am not sure if this is a good thing to know.

I still have these huge bouts of tiredness. I can be feeling fine and then suddenly, its like my body goes into shutdown. On Saturday I slept for 3 1/2 hours and still went to bed the normal time. (It did feel good)It is actually amazing what I can sleep through - the plumber was banging in the ceiling because the geyser blew, kids were playing, Leo was shouting, TV on - and I slept!

I am not sure why I fight so much with it. I still think it is because I don't believe this thing will kill me so all of this effort feels petty (Its hard to explain really) I also refuse to believe that I am anything but normal... as you all know! I do suffer from memory loss - but I can't remember what I have forgotten so it doesn't really matter! :)

I have decided that this year I am going to make it more about me - getting better and discovering what is important to me. I am not going to pretend that I can do everything I used to (or even that I want to do them) I have help and I am going to use it. It is time to look at my life and ask where am I meant to be. I am so blessed to have so many family and friends supporting me. My life seems to be moving in a totally different direction and I think that I should stop fighting the tide. I believe we get lessons in our life and if we don't learn from them, we get to take the class again. I don't want to go back to brain tumour class - thank you very much.

I am a person who enjoys logic & order. I don't like vague answers (which seems to be a doctors favourite trick) I might get upset, but I would rather know what to expect. So I have always wished that God could send me little answer boxes from the sky. (Not that I would always want to know the answer) This would give me a clear course ...So if my little box arrives at your house - please be sure to let me know. Until then, I will have to figure it out myself :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I find it strange that anger can hide so effectively and then rise up with such force... not surprising to those of us on the sidelines, Dee. You continue to handle chemo so well that we could almost forget you are on it. And you have your painting and design to focus on besides yourself, getting well, being mom and wife... busy person, special person. Lov u, Mom

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