Monday, July 6, 2009

My journey

Last night wasn't great. I tried not to take the Zofran (a little overconfident!) and ended up waking up at 1pm vomiting. So - lesson learnt. I must say I feel really quite tired and my stomach hurts from getting sick. Today I was quite emotional. I think it is a combination of things, the news, the relief, the chemo & the lack of sleep. All I wanted to do was curl up in the bed and feel sorry for myself.

The good news is that Dr Dupper called to say that they are in consensus on the findings. The tumour has shrunk and there is evidence of dead tissue. There is no odema. If there is more tissue death (I pray that there is) then they may have to drain the area. Luckily for me the dead tissue has moved into the open space where the operation was. What's left of the tumour is stable (not growing) They cannot test it because their results may be incorrect due to the radiation, chemo. (I don't quite know what this means) I will have a scan in 6 months to monitor the tumour. Then we can see if there has been more death and what the left over "tumour" is. (if any)

I realised on the weekend that everything has changed since I have been diagnosed. Alot of people have asked me if the tumour has changed me. My response is always "no". I think the same, act the same and perhaps I am a bit more proactive. What I realised is that it has changed everything around me. The decisions I have had to make have affected my work, my children, my house, my husband, my family, where I live, how I live, my travel ... etc. This is significant because although I am the same person, I have had to change my choices. Being diagnosed has changed the course of my life and others around me by the decisions I have made. Suddenly my life takes on a whole new course that never in my wildest dreams I could of imagined. (Kind of like falling pregnant at 19!)

When I was diagnosed, my parents, brother and ourselves decided to buy a small holding just out of town. We would build 3 houses. Primarily this was due to my health and the fact that they wanted to look after me. We were also discussing simplifying our lives. What has ensued is that we found a farm just out of town over looking a beautiful lake. We found a much bigger place that could be divided instead of just one plot. We could all own different plots and have our independence. James managed to get investors that would also own a portion of the land. My brother ended up getting a house that has left him bond free. James is now developing an olive estate (you know how long our municipality takes) called "Green Valley" This will encompass all the plots and allow James to be a developer. My parents are living out there, which has meant my Dad is back on a farm growing crops and my Mom is now close to the city. Now with the economic crisis, we decided to have a cash business out there and get out of the rat race. We are building a coffee shop, kids area, deli and bed & breakfast accommodation. (Which we will stay in till our house is built) It has given our entire family potential work in our area of interest. We will be able to be self sustaining in the future. Although, I do think that there could have been easier ways for us to get to this place rather than the tumour ... !

I have always believed that God does "Work all things together for good to those that love him" We need to be receptive and willing to move. I don't know what is in store for me in the future. This has been a hard journey. I definitely don't want to "learn the lesson" again! It is time for me to reflect on where I have been, what I am doing and what is my purpose in the future. (No matter how small our lives have meaning) I believe that we need to be positive and if we can throw a bit of laughter - that's a bonus. Our lives don't have to be dreary.

I hope my journey has motivated / inspired / helped you in your journey. It won't have made my pain worthwhile but it will make it bearable. It also makes me realise that we can choose to sow into peoples lives and our harvest is so much greater than the tiny seeds that we put in.

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